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arundhati roy
December 2009 
My world is changing
Posted on Dec 24th, 2007
by 
Louëlla
Louëlla
Yes, I no longer care about LGBT so much. I tried so hard to get involved at Georgetown, to become an activist, but I knew I needed something else. I knew we were only scratching the surface. Sure, I believe that politics and activism can and do change things, change the world. But those are not my battle right now. They are not working for me for many reasons, and I'd just rather work on things that I can easily work into my life each day. Moreover, I want to focus on something deeper, more fundamental, closer to home: myself. Not that one could not through activism focus on oneself, but I personally cannot. It hurts too much. So maybe I will continue the activism, but much more low key.
So my bloody awesome roommate got me a book for Krismasi called The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh, "a manual on [Zen] meditation", after she figured out that I was suicidal and had written her into my will... after she told me I should seek therapy and I told her that is why I was interested in Zen but needed someone to guide me. Yeah, by the way, I have never been to therapy and am not sure what to think of it, but honestly I don't trust science to change the way I think, to alter my subjective experience in a truly profound way. Therapy sounds like a way to change one aspect of your life temporarily. It just sounds like bullshit to me, not to be cynical. :) The fact is that I have found something for me, I believe, called Zen. That is true therapy, it seems. Science backs it up, but no one needed science to figure it out.
Anyway, when I first saw the book she got me, I was a bit skeptical: "Oh, that crazy girl. A book on meditation? What I need is a teacher, not a book." But I guess a book can serve as a teacher sometimes. I was nevertheless interested in the book, and so far I am amazed. I have already begun to practice meditation on my own according to the guidance of the book. No, I don't have anyone to tell me if I'm doing it right or not, but I think perhaps that time will be the best judge. I would recommend this book to anyone else out there who wishes to begin meditation but has no personal guide. Let Thich Nhat Hanh be your personal guide. But I suppose, as a mere Zen seedling, my recommendation is not the strongest.
I really do believe that life is a journey toward the Self. A fellow Buddhist told me that Zen teaches about non-Self, and I suppose it does. But that's just one way to look at it. Let non-self be Self. Lao Tzu said, "If you really desire everything, then give up everything." To give up the self is to find the self. To lose distinctions, divisions of Mind, is to become aware... is to become whole.
One of my closest friends is also suicidal and seeing a therapist right now. He didn't tell me; his mom did. I wonder how that's going for him. I don't trust it, but he doesn't know that I know, so what can I say? I will lend him my book on meditation, though he seems so distanced from Zen right now. He hasn't spoken to me of hope, of something profound which inspires him... the way I speak of Zen. All the more room to doubt.
I am beginning to realize how wonderful it is for me to be where I am, to be attending a highly selective university, to have been able to select my roommate, to choose the people I want to be around... goodness, to be given/lent books that actually change my life fo' shizzle! My roommate... what to say... I don't even connect with her much on a person-to-person level, but she and I share so many values that it's frightening. She has lent me her two favorite books, which have sort of become mine and even replaced old favorites, and now she gave me this book for Krismasi. Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke is fabulous. I for years doubted that I was a writer, and this book in a few brief chapters quickly convinced me that I am a writer. I had to put it down and pick up a pen, and in that moment between the pen, the paper, the book, and me... I knew I was a writer, that I am capable of forgetting any other reason for writing than writing for myself. That was like the Zen of writing for me, losing the "divisions" of the writing mind.
And this other book I have barely even gotten into and don't know if I'll like the overall story, but the writing itself... each sentence, each paragraph is just so lush, so profound and so creative: The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy. And I love this quote by her...
"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget."
And this I can reconcile to my newfound life philosophy of Zen and of life as a journey toward the Self. This quote is the what, not the how. Zen is the how... so although I do not feel I live up to all these things, to any of them perhaps, I know I have Zen and that I may just be on my way. This quote is beautiful and profound, and I knew it when I first read it; but it meant little to me then. Now I understand; I have found a world view that illuminates all such pieces of wisdom, all such ideals which fail to tell you "how". Because people sure as hell know What, sometimes know Why, but rarely can tell you How.
Cu drag. Nawatakia wote sikukuu njema ya Krismasi! ;)
So my bloody awesome roommate got me a book for Krismasi called The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh, "a manual on [Zen] meditation", after she figured out that I was suicidal and had written her into my will... after she told me I should seek therapy and I told her that is why I was interested in Zen but needed someone to guide me. Yeah, by the way, I have never been to therapy and am not sure what to think of it, but honestly I don't trust science to change the way I think, to alter my subjective experience in a truly profound way. Therapy sounds like a way to change one aspect of your life temporarily. It just sounds like bullshit to me, not to be cynical. :) The fact is that I have found something for me, I believe, called Zen. That is true therapy, it seems. Science backs it up, but no one needed science to figure it out.
Anyway, when I first saw the book she got me, I was a bit skeptical: "Oh, that crazy girl. A book on meditation? What I need is a teacher, not a book." But I guess a book can serve as a teacher sometimes. I was nevertheless interested in the book, and so far I am amazed. I have already begun to practice meditation on my own according to the guidance of the book. No, I don't have anyone to tell me if I'm doing it right or not, but I think perhaps that time will be the best judge. I would recommend this book to anyone else out there who wishes to begin meditation but has no personal guide. Let Thich Nhat Hanh be your personal guide. But I suppose, as a mere Zen seedling, my recommendation is not the strongest.
I really do believe that life is a journey toward the Self. A fellow Buddhist told me that Zen teaches about non-Self, and I suppose it does. But that's just one way to look at it. Let non-self be Self. Lao Tzu said, "If you really desire everything, then give up everything." To give up the self is to find the self. To lose distinctions, divisions of Mind, is to become aware... is to become whole.
One of my closest friends is also suicidal and seeing a therapist right now. He didn't tell me; his mom did. I wonder how that's going for him. I don't trust it, but he doesn't know that I know, so what can I say? I will lend him my book on meditation, though he seems so distanced from Zen right now. He hasn't spoken to me of hope, of something profound which inspires him... the way I speak of Zen. All the more room to doubt.
I am beginning to realize how wonderful it is for me to be where I am, to be attending a highly selective university, to have been able to select my roommate, to choose the people I want to be around... goodness, to be given/lent books that actually change my life fo' shizzle! My roommate... what to say... I don't even connect with her much on a person-to-person level, but she and I share so many values that it's frightening. She has lent me her two favorite books, which have sort of become mine and even replaced old favorites, and now she gave me this book for Krismasi. Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke is fabulous. I for years doubted that I was a writer, and this book in a few brief chapters quickly convinced me that I am a writer. I had to put it down and pick up a pen, and in that moment between the pen, the paper, the book, and me... I knew I was a writer, that I am capable of forgetting any other reason for writing than writing for myself. That was like the Zen of writing for me, losing the "divisions" of the writing mind.
And this other book I have barely even gotten into and don't know if I'll like the overall story, but the writing itself... each sentence, each paragraph is just so lush, so profound and so creative: The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy. And I love this quote by her...
"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget."
And this I can reconcile to my newfound life philosophy of Zen and of life as a journey toward the Self. This quote is the what, not the how. Zen is the how... so although I do not feel I live up to all these things, to any of them perhaps, I know I have Zen and that I may just be on my way. This quote is beautiful and profound, and I knew it when I first read it; but it meant little to me then. Now I understand; I have found a world view that illuminates all such pieces of wisdom, all such ideals which fail to tell you "how". Because people sure as hell know What, sometimes know Why, but rarely can tell you How.
Cu drag. Nawatakia wote sikukuu njema ya Krismasi! ;)
Access: PublicTagged with: Zen, mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhism, life, Lao Tzu, Rilke, Arundhati Roy, writing, Kiswahili, therapy, suicidal, suicide, meditation
I am very impressed by your story! A book leading you to Zen and changing your world. Btw, do you know the meaning of Zen? It actually means meditation. It is a Japanese word, which derived from Chinese ”Chan” and Chan comes from the Samskrit word ”Dhyana”, but they all meaning meditation. Zen is amazingly simple in practice and frees the most troubled mind.
It may be true that Zen originally meant “meditation” but better to understand that it was originated back in the – what? – stone age? Bronze Age? Whatever, that was the best they could do. Then. Along with the fallacy of proper Yoga posture “getting” someone “somewhere”, because after all, Yoga was originally just a study in best way to have the body so relaxed it is forgotten (Not posture-focused, but the opposite, forgotten), mediation was a mere mimicking of the RESULT of awakening, which resembled every Buddha statue you've ever seen. Yet it's only the non-awake who would conclude that assuming the results of something would initiate the cause of something. Looking like Buddha won't wake you up. I think it was Saint Francis that woke up as an especially murderous soldier – THAT's what enlightened him. It is most often suffering which wakes people up, not being blissful. Though it can go either way. In my experience, “spiritual” blissful people are precisely the ones worrying over trying to wake up, achieve enlightenment. It never occurs to them that everything they are doing Prevents their movement. Finally, some of them worry into such a horrendous depression that they give up the whole fucking thing and Poof! There it is! “I was right here all along!”
So says my words here, and I'm sticking to 'em!
> Because people sure as hell know What, sometimes know Why,
> but rarely can tell you How.
Hi Louëlla,
You mention on your first page that your first blog is about you, to read that. So I did and here I am.
I felt of little excitement run through me when you wrote, that is, when I read, that you need a teacher.
> A book on meditation? What I need is a teacher, not a
> book.” But I guess a book can serve as a teacher sometimes.
Ah, and then I remember you're, what, in Georgetown? So having a teacher might be natural to you. Most of the rest of the high level world has given up on teachers, so many burned bridges, so many false gurus that even the word 'guru' has a edgy tint. “False Messiahs” have been around for a long time, they are even mentioned in the old Jewish and Christian books.
There are not many people who are able to truly translate the words The Middle Way into a path that also includes a teacher. Most people who attempt this fall into follower role, or Yogi Master (which is just a profession) or some such.
Sometimes the first steps on the path are to find what steps are Not the path.
It is not Bliss, it is not Love, it is not Perfection. Those are not steps. They are the end – but only labels of aspects of enlightenment but the aspects of enlightenment are infinite and even paradoxical. No person could live long enough to manufacture the base aspects in their life, like being blissful and thereby producing enlightenment. Even if they did, they'd just be creating another universe, their own! But THIS universe, to be this universe, to totally wake the fuck up to THIS, well, there is just your one true path, whatever you discover in hindsight was it, as soon as you wake up. But all efforting, all religion, all mediation, all doing good, they are just you trying to be your own god.
I am writing this for you, Louëlla, because you're the first person I've run into in several years who feels to be a true student, an actual self-explorer, and not a brainiac.
I do not wish you anything, because I cannot possibly know what is needful for you, and I dare not risk offering something that might hinder you. Forget that suicide and depression and sadness stuff, by the way. Dive into it if needful, but don't take it too serious, that is, for instance, “suicidal” is, duh, a bit serious, though I totally respect the *feeling* of wanting to die. I love dieing everyday. But don't do the body-death thing. Have loyalty to all you've ever gone through, all the Yous that have decided to go for it, go for life.
[/end lecture mode off]
My heart is with you, in the same way as with my guru. http://michaelwalsh.wordpress.com scroll down to “My Guru.”
BTW … I'm hermiting in California because it was so painful being around spiritual people instead of true students. So you can see my motivation in writing you. And, to be honest, or rather, candid, I'm not of use to the worldly world anymore. So I sit. But I don't meditate! (well a little) I once thought it was possible to find a few real people to have with/around me and then go teaching, but that didn't pan out fast enough and I quit. Why am I writing this?!? Ha! I laugh. I'm a funny guy. Sitting in any particular moment, no matter where or when, and seeing how incredibly expansive and beautiful a moment is, without it's breaking your heart, *that's* IT.
By the way, in case anything I said is disturbing, Forget It, because once you wake up, everything is true, it's opposite is true, and there need be no words, or many words, or anything. Only thing left truly interesting for me is other's innerness, ones with the sincerity to look truthfully and bravely, because I share my humanness with them and them only it seems. Others I appreciate, but these people I share. So. Oh, this is cool, I often have the idea of sitting with Adyashanti http://www.adyashanti.org before a group, or do a retreat with, where one of us says one thing that is clearly absolutely true, and then the other says exactly what seems the opposite and that too is clearly absolutely true! What fun that would be! The higher true as it were is that THEN, letting go of all truth-beleifs, we can be *with* each being and be with what is true with that person in this very moment. That's the teacher role. It's what I'm doing with the *feel* of your text, though I know I may be getting the person behind the text not so clearly. But I love this, and I imagine you will find something useful in this, so what the hell, Michael, press Send!
Love,
Michael
.